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  I raise my jaw to look him square in the eye. “Apparently, yeah.”

  Chase just looks, his eyes burning into me. A moment builds between us, heavy with a dark intensity.

  Finally he shrugs. “Too bad. Let’s go.”

  He leaves me to use the toboggan.

  8

  The next morning Alex wants to hear everything.

  “Oh my god, Brooke.” I should have guessed she would be this excited. She wriggles her toes against my stomach from her curl on the couch. “See? I told you he wanted you. I just knew it. I mean, who wouldn’t?”

  I laugh, removing her foot from my boob where it’s found a place to poke me meaningfully. “He wanted to have sex. It’s not like he professed his undying love for me.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to have sex,” Alex protests. “You’ve done it a few times. Don’t think you can make me believe you’re a nun.”

  “I don’t want to have casual sex with someone I want to work with.” It sounds simpler in the morning, the bright alpine light streaming through the windows. Surrounded by all the comforts of Alex’s suite, Chase’s dark look seems so very far away. “That sounds like a clusterfuck in the making.”

  Alex makes a noncommittal noise, her eyes ticking between mine as she considers it. “You know, there’s something to be said for honesty.” Her voice drops, her eyes seeking mine with a tenderness I know so well. “I know you’re afraid, after Peter. But maybe this is good, you know? Just something casual. No pressure. No expectations. Just you having fun with a really, really hot pro athlete.”

  My stomach plummets. The last thing I want to think about is Peter.

  I’m not getting hurt like that again. Period.

  “Alex.” I reach out to capture her hand. “I know what snowboarders are like. I’m not getting taken in by some guy just because he’s handsome.”

  “Oh, Brooke.” The words sigh from Alex’s chest like they hurt, her compassion audible. “Not all men are your dad, either.”

  I’ve perfected my Trent reflexes over the years. He comes up and I shut down. I’m a pro at it. This glossy impenetrable screen slides down between me and the world, and nothing can hurt me.

  “I’m not fucking Chase Austin,” I say firmly. “Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. I want his pictures, not his dick.”

  Men leave. Winning the Illuminations contest is forever.

  Alex worries at her lip with her teeth for a moment longer before her hand squeezes mine. “Okay. Whatever you say.” Her concern lingers, though it begins to fade as her smile spreads. “You’re staying, then?”

  I can feel the confusion rumpled at my forehead. “Our flight is in six hours.”

  “And I’ll be on it. I have work.” Alex enthusiastically mimes being sick to show what she thinks of that idea. She brightens to add: “But obviously you’re staying.”

  “No.” It sounds firmer than I feel, which is good. “What do you mean, let you go home alone? Alex, I came here to see you. We’re going back to Mammoth together.”

  “Don’t be stupid.” Alex’s foot bats against my thigh. “I’m not alone. Jo and her husband will come with me. And you’re working with Hanne, aren’t you?”

  “Hanne’s starting the edit tomorrow,” I correct with a shake of my head, ignoring the twinge in my stomach. “She’s not going to have time to work with me once they’re stuck in to that. Don’t worry about it. I want to come back with you.”

  Alex hums a fraught sound. “But this is such a good opportunity. They still might change their minds, you know. Chase. He might change his mind.”

  Chase. I can’t get his face out of my mind. That dark hair. Those eyes that seemed so full of things I couldn’t read. The way one touch of his lips sent shivers over my skin.

  “No,” I say firmly. “I’m coming home. It’s not like I can’t photograph snowboarders back in Mammoth.” I work to keep a better smile on my lips. “Maybe there will be one fewer asshole there, too.”

  Alex’s laugh is a relief. “I don’t know. I’ve met a few assholes in Mammoth.”

  I can’t argue with her … but I’d prefer to be back home with Alex than here, feeling so confused all the time.

  Back in my room I check out the pictures of Hanne and swallow down my disappointment, rubbing the heel of my hand over my hot eyes.

  I’ll get my Illuminations photo. I will. It’s not the end of the world to be leaving Laax.

  So why do I feel like it is?

  Taking another deep breath I force myself to be sensible. There’s no point getting worked up about pointless shit. I’m a survivor. It’s what I do. I’ll make this work, just like I’ve made everything else work.

  The buzzing of my phone interrupts me. I hit reject without even looking at who’s calling. Who would I want to talk to at the moment?

  Deep breaths, like Pop-pop says. Deep breaths.

  When my phone goes again I reach for it in frustration, intending to turn it off.

  Instead I see a text.

  Hi Brooke. JJ here. We’ve had an emergency.

  Snow bar asap?

  I don’t know what I’m expecting when I meet the crew at the snow bar, but I know what I’m saying: I’m leaving this afternoon.

  Once I got over my stupid disappointment and became a logical adult again, it was clear: why would I hang around here, unable to photograph them? Just so I could see Chase, and be constantly reminded that he’d fuck me but not work with me?

  I have way too much self-respect for that.

  Somehow though I still feel that lurch in my stomach when I see them at the bar. They’re at their usual spot, a smaller group than last night—just Hanne, JJ and Chase.

  I take longer removing my board than I need to, sneaking glances at them. They look somehow … dejected? Hanne has lost her live-wire energy and instead is playing listlessly with the straw in her soda. JJ is engrossed in something on his phone, his usual friendly smile gone.

  Chase looks like he’s been up all night, his eyes dark-circled and his skin pale. As he stares blankly out over the mountains he strokes idly at his wrist where he’s pulled up his sleeve.

  I know what word he’s caressing, even if I can’t see it from this far away. Felicity.

  Not that I care.

  “Brooke.” Hanne gets up as I come over, giving me a squeeze so tight it surprises me.

  What if something horrible has happened? I look for it in Chase’s eyes, but there’s only blankness there.

  At least if he’s still an asshole nothing too bad has gone down.

  “Thanks for coming,” JJ says with a tight smile, leaning over to push out a chair for me. “You want a drink?”

  I fuss awkwardly at my jacket before perching on the edge of the chair, telegraphing that this won’t be a long visit. “No, thanks. I should go soon. Are you all … Did something happen?”

  Chase doesn’t look at me.

  “It’s Aaron,” JJ says, matter of fact. “He had an accident.”

  Hanne catches my look with a snort, shaking her head at my concern. “He’s fine.”

  “He broke his leg,” JJ interjects.

  “Because he decided that jumping between balconies was an amazing idea.” Hanne rolls her eyes. “He’s fine. He’s just an idiot. That’s not a new development.”

  I’ve been jealous of Aaron all week, but in this moment it doesn’t matter at all. With a sickening jolt I picture his pain and his fear. “Is he okay?”

  JJ’s smile warms to make crow's feet beside his eyes. It’s reassuring seeing him looking friendly again. “Yeah. He’s in the hospital down the valley waiting for them to get a proper cast on it.”

  “Something like this happens every year,” Hanne says with a sigh. “You remember last time, when he decided he’d try that trick with a moving car …”

  It doesn’t surprise me. I’ve spent this week watching and re-watching the crew’s edits, and their “slice of life” shots always imply a healthy amount of ridiculo
us after-hours activities.

  I let her words drift over me, tilting my eyes sideways. Chase is spread out with the same arrogance he always has, legs wide and one of his arms draped over the chair beside him. He takes up space with the confidence of someone who knows he owns it. His face is a harsh blank, the line of his jaw set rigid beneath his stubble. Instead of looking at any of us he just gazes out at the mountains, his face as implacable as theirs, and as cold as their drapes of snow.

  It’s hard to imagine that heat last night came from the same man.

  “So we thought we’d ask you.”

  I realize with a jolt that JJ’s been speaking to me. I hope the prickling blush at my cheeks isn’t actually visible. Caught red-handed I turn to him.

  “Ask me …”

  “To film the edit.” JJ is leaning forward now, his forearms braced over the table, his head titled in question. “There’s no one else we want to do it. If you’re not in, we’ll just … I dunno. Use head cams.”

  “And our amazing editing skills.” Hanne’s sarcasm is wiped away when she reaches for my hand. “Like that has ever worked. Brooke, say yes.”

  Me, film their edit.

  It’s everything I’ve wanted for the last week, and I think my heart is about to beat clear out of my chest.

  I know what the answer is. The answer is yes. The answer is, You bet your goddamn life I will. The answer is, Send my footage to Dinkler.

  Chase looms beside me, a silent storm cloud. He hasn’t said a thing. Through the corner of my eye I can see his jaw working over words he doesn’t say, trapping them between the grit of his teeth.

  Fuck him.

  “Yes.” Finally I allow my smile to blossom. “Yes. I’d love to.”

  JJ lets out a sigh of relief at the same time as Hanne’s smile explodes.

  “Fuck yeah.”

  I meet her clumsy fist bump with a grin.

  “We’re only planning a week and a half,” JJ says. I’ve noticed over the last few days he’s definitely the adult of the group. Dependable, kind JJ. “If Hanne’s not back home for Christmas she turns into a pumpkin. You have somewhere to stay, right?”

  I think about Alex, leaving in a few hours. I think about my empty bank account. “Yeah,” I say without hesitation, giving them my best I-got-this smile.

  It’s not a lie yet.

  “We’ll get you the contract tonight,” JJ continues, all business. I can see the tension ebbing away from his shoulders.

  “We actually pay,” Hanne points out with a grin. “And we’ll put your name everywhere, obviously. You’ve saved our lives.”

  That little warm glow in my chest? It feels good. It feels great. I’m going to film with them. I’m going to stay with them. I’m going to get them to share my work with Dinkler, and I’m going to get on his film.

  There’s no point not going big.

  “It’d be great if I could get some stills,” I say, looking between them. “You know—around filming …”

  Chase’s voice is so unexpected that I start in my seat. “You going for Illuminations this year?”

  Of course Chase knows about the competition. It’s big news in the adventure sport world. But somehow it’s surprising that he links that idea with me. I thought after I turned down his offer last night he’d stop paying any attention to me at all.

  Still when I hold his eyes it makes my nerves tingle.

  “Yeah.” I try not to make it sound like a question. I don’t care what his opinion is.

  “Of course,” Hanne says with a grin. “And we should introduce you to Dinkler. Now Aaron’s space on the spring film crew has opened up …”

  I shouldn’t be shocked that Chase pushes to his feet. He’s got prior on being an ass, after all. “The offer was for Aaron.”

  JJ makes a clicking sound with his tongue. “C’mon, man. Don’t be a dick.”

  Chase ignores him, downing the rest of his beer before he reaches for his gloves. “I’m hitting the pipe.”

  “What an asshole,” Hanne says as he walks away.

  I have to agree with her. But I can’t be too pissed off in this moment. I’m staying here. I’m filming them. And I’m getting my work in front of Dinkler.

  Chase Austin thinks he can stop me? Too bad.

  He’s wrong.

  9

  Alex squeezes me so hard when she goes that I can’t draw a breath for the next half minute.

  “Knock ’em dead,” she says earnestly. “Don’t let that motherfucker get you down, okay? You’re going to do great.”

  She’s right. I am. There’s no way that one man is getting in the way of all my dreams.

  It’s hard to see Alex go, but at least my evening is busy. Over time the flutter of nerves in my belly changes into excitement. I move my stuff into the area’s cheapest youth hostel. A bunk in a twelve-person room that stinks of unwashed men isn’t perfect, but it’s cheap and it’s here. What else matters? I have a locker for my expensive gear, and I quickly scout out a quiet coffee bar with good Wi-Fi where I can take my MacBook for editing.

  The most important thing is to Skype Mom and Pop-pop. They have the usual argument over how to set up the laptop, and it twists in my heart to see them. They both look well, but it’s hard knowing how far away they are. My whole life I’ve been with them. They were there through the mess with Peter. They’re the two people who’ve never left me.

  Them and Alex.

  “That’s wonderful, Bumble,” Pop-pop says with a beam. “I always knew my girl would do it.”

  “What did you say their names were?” Mom looks more worried. I can see the piece of paper where she’s going to jot things down for a google later.

  “JJ Schneider and Hanne Lund,” I say with a sigh. “Mom, they’re fine. There’s Chase Austin, too. But he’s a bit of a bast—an idiot.”

  One of Pop-pop’s bushy white eyebrows rises. “Is he really.”

  “Not like that,” I correct him quickly. “The kind of idiot I’m staying far away from, except for work.”

  Mom emits a worried hum. “Well … Just be careful. Make sure you get back for Christmas. Stick with that Hanne girl. She looks nice on your Instaphoto.”

  “Instagram,” I say with a smile. “Thanks.”

  “Remember I can come to Laax,” Pop-pop says with a twinkle of mischief in his eye. “I checked. Rifles are legal there, too.”

  I snort. “Thanks. There’s no one here you need to use a rifle on.”

  I’m not letting anyone get close enough to hurt me. No man is ever going to matter enough to deserve a rifle.

  We’re due to start filming the next morning. Since I don’t have my own camcorder here in Laax, Aaron left his when he flew back to the States. I know he probably did it more as a favor to his crew than to me … but still I get a warm feeling in my chest as I make sure it’s safely stowed in my backpack. One last time I read the Post-It note Aaron left inside the case, stroking the corner with my thumb as I smile.

  Chase is my collateral on this so you break it and I break his balls

  Psych!!!

  For real, have fun, you’ll stomp it

  I’m not going to lie—it feels pretty special to meet them at the park. Hanne, JJ, Hunter, and Chase shooting the shit together, sprawled over the snow, and the snowbunnies glaring at me as I go to join them.

  I’ve spent so long imagining this. I want to pinch myself again. I’m going to be filming them. My name is going to be all over an edit that will hit the biggest snowboarding websites and magazines. Me. Brooke Larson. Making it.

  I’m a pro, too. For the first time it feels real. This isn’t an internship, or an almost-free favor for some random guys back in Mammoth. This is an actual paying job with some of the world’s best boarders.

  JJ pushes up to his feet first, giving me a friendly shoulder bump. I’ve clearly graduated to one-of-the-guys status. “ ’Sup. You ready to go?”

  “Yeah. The light’s looking good. I had some ideas …”

&n
bsp; I’ve been preparing them so long that I rattle them off effortlessly, even if I’m distracted. Chase is taking forever to get his ass off the snow. After one quick glance my way when I arrived, he’s looked resolutely down the park. As if the pipes and rails are talking, not me. As if a box is more interesting than his videographer.

  Screw Chase.

  As pissed as I am, I have to admit—it’s still magic to film him. Once I’ve got the cameras set up I spend hours with the four of them. They’ve picked a route through big airs and tight rail grinds, and we do it over and over. The final edit will look effortless, but a lot of the production is hard graft.

  They’re all so talented. Hunter still graces competition podiums worldwide; Hanne and JJ did the same until they progressed to filming. It’s a privilege to watch them, and it takes my breath away—but none of them ride like Chase. It’s all I can do not to keep the footage tight on him. They’re all gifted boarders, but Chase is something else. His body moves graceful as water from grinds to jumps, fluid force in each expert twist. He gets air with more force than the rest of them put together, launching like a bullet, all that destructive potential becoming like music in the air. Weightless.

  Once we’re done we go back to the snow bar and Hunter brings over about a hundred beers. Hanne pulls her seat up close to my elbow so she can see the footage on the tiny screen.

  “You’re not looking bad,” she teases JJ, “for an old man.”

  JJ shoves her lovingly with his elbow. “Thanks, cat lady.”

  “Exactly how many cats do you own now?” Hunter teases. “Like, five? And aren’t they named after the members of ABBA?”

  Hanne tsks, beaming. “There were only four members of ABBA, idiot.”

  Chase doesn’t even look. He’s left his chair far back on the other side of the table, and collapsed into it in that familiar spread-legged sprawl. He doesn’t even look at me. He’s taken off his gloves and helmet and idly ruffles his fingers through his infuriatingly perfect hair. Through the open lapels of his jacket I can see the prickling of sweat over his T-shirt from his muscles’ hard work over the last few hours.